Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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