Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize