I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
