my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
