Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
