don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
