Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize