I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
