Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize