I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
