i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
