I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize