she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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