I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize