my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
