i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Let's get the cat blown out
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
