I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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