I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize