last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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