My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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