Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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