All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
