a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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