I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Randomize
