According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
