Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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