Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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