It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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