Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
