Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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