i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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