On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
