I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just pee around me
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
