I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
