I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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