From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
