I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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