I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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