apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
