Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
