I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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