rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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