I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
