I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
