Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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