She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
