dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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