dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
