smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
