just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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