I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
