Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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