Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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