i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
