I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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