Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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