Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
