so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
