Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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