Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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