At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
