I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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